(Now you have that Adele song stuck in your head don’t you??)
I took a bit of a break.
At first it was because I was busy GETTING MARRIED! Then it was because I had full body poison ivy and was in a pretty bad mood that I didn’t get to enjoy post wedding bliss without being itchy. Then it was because the steroids the doctor prescribed me to help with the poison ivy caused insomnia and I didn’t sleep for 15 days. Then it was because I felt like I didn’t have anything worth saying and no one was going to want to read this blog anyway.
But then I decided I didn’t care, I needed to say what was on my mind.
This homesteading gig is hard. Working a full time job and homesteading is hard. Working a full time job, homesteading, and trying to still have a social life is hard. Working a full time job, homesteading, trying to maintain a social life, and have time for myself is hard. Really hard.
This past weekend was rough. Sick goats. Sick chicken. Being on call for work – which, let me clarify, is to make sure people’s POOL PARTIES go as planned. I’m not saving the world or anything. Trying to save time to hang out with Scott and do things he wants to do while sacrificing valuable chore time is hard.
I’m in the midst of applying for and interviewing for new jobs. One was perfect. But only part time. I would be SO HAPPY working part time. But we’d be giving up a lot of money in the bank. Could we do it? Even if we could, am I willing to give up THAT much? Am I willing to let Scott give up that much? Am I willing to risk thinking it’ll be ok for now, but what happens in 6 months?
Here’s the other thing. Starting at the end of August, I’m starting a dairy share. What’s a dairy share you ask? Well….it’s kind of how people legally buy milk straight from a farmer. So I’m back to milking goats. Every day. Next year it’ll be 4 or 5 goats. Not one. 4 or 5. There’s no going away for the weekend. There’s no days off. There’s no sleeping in. And I have to do this every morning before work. And after having 2 sick goats….I realize there IS a difference between having 2 goats and having 6. Oh and for me to milk these goats, they have to have babies. Which means I could have up to double digit goats. BUT. Think. Of. All. Those. Babies.
“I heard it said this week that it’s a struggle to have roots and wings all at once. I am most certainly a root grower, as much as I’d like to think of myself as something else. The world tells us to be “epic”…but isn’t knowing a place, it’s seasons, it’s details, it’s tastes – isn’t that truly remarkable? Even with these weighty roots, the world explodes with goodness and mercy around me. I don’t know what much of the world smells like, but I do know the smell of mountain elderflowers mixed with our honey. It doesn’t matter if I have to wake up each morning to milk the cow and that prevents me from doing…whatever it is people with wings do. Because this life, right here amongst the roots, is as good as it gets for this ol’ bird.” A wonderful blogger, Shaye Elliott of theelliotthomestead.com wrote this the other day. Go to her blog – it’s amazing. But please come back to mine.
Sometimes I can’t help but get jealous of my many teacher friends and family members who are doing whatever they want for months at a time. Jealous of my friends and family who seem to have no end to their bank accounts. No responsibility when they get home from work. Can do things like sleep in, stay in their PJs, read a book all morning, go to a late brunch, and just hang out until a party that night. But then I remember I didn’t really like that. I always wanted this. I want to be home. I want to tend to my flock.
I’m filled with overwhelming amounts of love for the farm when….I’m clean and sitting in bed typing this. But earlier I was mad the sick goat kept escaping. You’re sick. Lay down! Mad at the turkeys for NEVER leaving me alone. I’M GOING TO EAT YOU. Mad at the chickens for not sharing their dinners. Mad at the dog for being too much of a little shadow. But would I really trade this? No. No I really wouldn’t.
I need to learn to calm my head. “An amazing thing happens when you get honest with yourself and start doing what you love, what makes you happy. Your life literally slows down. You stop wishing for the weekend. You stop merely looking forward to special events. You being to live in each moment and you start feeling like a human being. You just ride the wave that is life, with this feeling of contentment and joy. You move fluidly, steadily, calm, and grateful. A veil is lifted, and a whole new perspective is born.” A friend recently reminded me of this quote and I need to not forget it again.
The farm is a gift. A gift to myself after a lifetime of dreaming. Slow down. Take it all in.
I need to figure out what I want and who I am. Right now I want to be a farmer, housewife, hippy, free spirit, wild child, calm, hard worker.
I’m also trying to think of ways to make money and I think I need/want to raise pigs. Who would buy meat from me???
Ok. Enough. This post started on Monday and is now finishing on Thursday. Things have changed since I started it.
I’ve accepted the part time job and I’m giving my “3 weeks” notice tomorrow morning. Wish me luck. I’m literally nauseous and overwhelmed with fear about quitting.
It’s time for a change. Here’s to doing something a little scary.